This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
