hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
