I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize