I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i out mim tonsoeep
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