just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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