i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
