It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
