Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
