remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
two words: eviction party
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
