I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
