I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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