I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize