im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
