watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
