look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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