So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
