I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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