at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
