I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
