Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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