He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
