So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
