if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
