thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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