Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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