he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
