I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize