Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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