How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
