2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
