There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Pants are for mortals
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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