Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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