Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
