i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
