he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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