I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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