god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
