i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
