Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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