We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
