dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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