Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
