Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
