i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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