the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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