I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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