You can't motorboat a personality
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
