Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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