I want to have your abortion
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
