The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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