Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
