Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I intend to get homeless drunk
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
