Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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