Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
