He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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