Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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