I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize