did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
