I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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