Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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