Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
