her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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