It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
