Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
