so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
