Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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