Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize