what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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