I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just found puke in my bra..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
